Kuv Yawm (My Grandfather)

My grandfather was a man of few words.  In fact, he probably never spoke to you if it wasn't going to build your life up in some way.  When he got sick, I began reflecting on what he has meant to me.  My heart broke with his passing.

My grandfather never told me "I love you".  Instead, he would always say "we love you (Peb hlub koj)".  Because when he spoke, he spoke for the entire family.  No matter what life decisions we made, good or bad, no matter how we felt about the family or even how we felt about him, he was determined to remind us that we always had family - we were never going to be alone.

My grandfather was a man after God's own heart.  He always loved being outdoors.  He had lived at the house within the church property and his main job was to tend the church.  Every day, he would water the grass, prune the trees and pulled those weeds.  And he had this passion to get rid of the ground hogs.  We always followed him around as he did those things.  He never complained, he did it diligently.  Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.  Working with his hands, tending the church property was the gift God had given him to serve.  Pastor Fred had announced his passing to my congregation.  He recalled my grandfather as the one who kept the church outside appearance brilliant and alive.  The church had planted a "friendship tree" that symbolized the friendship between our 13 churches, and it was only after my grandfather had left that the tree was no longer tended to, thus wilted and died.

My grandfather was a fisher of men.  He may have not reached out to many, but he lead my mother to becoming a Christian, therefore implanting the seed in me.  The seed that would make me the Christian I am today.  I am a follower of Christ, a believer.  All because my grandfather's rock was his faith.  And now, my faith is my rock.

The church had this beat up van that he would drive around early Sunday morning to collect any members that did not have a ride to church. Service began at 9, and he was always on time.  Punctual, to make sure the members were not late.  And, he would drop each one of them off after church has ended.  My grandfather began Sunday bright and early, and ended it some time well into the afternoon.  He did this for years.

I have been blessed to witness the greatness that is my grandfather.  In 2004, without hesitation, he helped me through one of the trails I would face in life.  Without any notification, I showed up at his door step and said, "Grandpa, come with me to figure this out?"  He gathered his things, and said "let's go."  Driving there, he said very little.  Just the basic, "let me do the talking".  We arrived, and as we sat there being criticized, getting ridiculed, my grandfather never rose his voice, never said anything to offend anyone.  After an hour, he just simply stated my needs and wants.  Another hour goes by, and the same response from my grandfather.  I observed his calmness, his eagerness to listen, the humbleness that makes him HIM.  After all said and done, we were invited to share a dinner with the ones who spent two hours giving us a piece of their minds.  I was done and ready to leave, but my grandfather smiled and joined them at the table.  I sat there and watched as he laughed about simpler days in Laos/Thailand.  Nothing negative ever phased my grandfather.  After dinner, we left and he simply said, "This has passed.  No more dwelling on it, no more talks of it."

I hope I can be able to express his calmness, his grace, his mercy to others.  He voiced his desire to have his family "sib hlub" when he is gone.  I will remember this and I will fulfill his last request.

Aubrie Grace's Mom

As I sit here, towards the end of May, I am thinking about what my very first Mother's Day meant to me.  Mother's day was filled with breakfast with my family, a beautiful service at church, and a surprise cake and flowers from the husband.  I applaud his credit (and my brother in laws for helping).  It is not simple for my husband to express his love for me in that way.  He's not the romantic, "sweep her off her feet" kind of person.  He shows his love every day.  But, that's another subject.

"By the grace of God, I am what I am." 1 Corinthians 15:10
I have been so bless to have the title: Mom.  My daughter is the light to every thing and anything dark in my life.  I prayed for her, cried for her, demanded the Lord for her; and at last, He answered and blessed me with her.  I am to love her, take care of her, and guide her.  I eagerly do so.

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" Proverbs 31:26
Now that I am a mother, I find myself more observant of the mothers I know.  I mentally joint down things I see that I want to begin doing, things I should say to my daughter as she gets older, easier ways of doing something, and at the same time, things I definitely shouldn't do or say to my daughter.  I can learn from others and their mistakes.  I am more accepting of mothers giving me advice as well as criticism.  I take no offense because I am a first time mom, who is bound to make my own mistakes, and really do need all the help I can get.  I am bless to be surrounded by so many moms who loves my little girl so much.  I see how they tend to her, play with her, and love her.  My heart is full.

Mother's Day comes around once a year, but for me - every day is Mother's Day.

My Bin of Hmong Clothes

For the pass 15 years, my mother has been slowly adding to my collection of Hmong clothes.  Not just mine, but all of my sisters as well.
Some outfits, she bought and some she has sewn with her hands.  Typically, she would dress my sisters and I in the outfits, and afterwards, we would give it back to her to store for us until the upcoming Hmong new year.  Half way through 2016, she bought bins and put all our outfits into the bins and said we were to keep the Hmong outfits ourselves.
I didn't think much of it.  I moved into my home, and placed the bin in my closet.  Come Christmas, and the ladies at church suggested we wear a Hmong outfit to church.  I dust the lid of my bin and opened to find two outfits I didn't know my mother had placed inside.  Two outfits that I either forgot I had, or maybe my mother never mentioned to me before.
Most girls only have one Hmong outfit from their mother.  And here I was, with seven.  I suddenly felt the love my mother has for me.  Sure, we some times hug, and from time to time, she'll ask if I'm doing okay.  We are not very vocal or affectionate kind of family, but as I went through my bin with admiration, I knew my mother love us.
Maybe before the year is up, I'll dress up and post up the outfits my mom has worked so hard in gifting me.

My Yellow Ribbon with a Heart on it.

If you ever see a yellow ribbon with a heart on it, it simply represents the person left behind by some one who committed suicide.  A yellow ribbon alone is worn to represent suicide awareness.

Suicide is something I never thought would happen to my family.  And yet, it has occurred twice.  The ones left behind are left shocked, hurt, and wondering if there were anything we could have done to change the situation.

"and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."
Psalm 50:15 (NIV)

Ahlia Her (Amy) ..

I will remember the little girl giving me hugs whenever we visited.  I will miss your witty conversations and your  aspirations to making a difference in this world.  I'm sorry we failed you.  Although you are gone, may it serve a reminder for me to love my family a little deeper, to take a second look at anyone and let them know I will pray for them, to be braver in asking those questions I was too afraid of knowing the answers to, and to hug every one a little longer.  May God open my eyes to see the signs I've missed, to have the courage to overstep imaginary boundaries I might have thought were there, and to present myself in a manner that those who needs help, can see that I am the one to give it.

Sunrise: May 22, 2001 ... Sunset: Dec 02, 2016

A song from her older brother:
https://youtu.be/gUoTQ7EGs28

Prayer & Suicide Prevention:
1-866-TO-JESUS (865-3787)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

Sept 4 2016

Sept 4 2016 @ 1932.  God has blessed us, and we are finally parents.
It was quiet in the room, and I'm laying on the table.  I hear a suction noise and all of a sudden, my little Aubrie Grace cries.  Yes, my eyes watered and I eagerly wait for her to come over the blue drapes.  They place her on my chest and all I could think was, "how did you fit inside me little person?"
She is perfect.  10 long fingers and 10 long toes.  Her eyes blinked and she was looking at me.  No crying and no fussing.  Just lying there eyes glued on me; my eyes glued on her.  I fell in love with this little person; promised her the whole world in that split instant.
My new title: Aubrie Grace Suab Naag Saetern's mother.

Growing up Christian and returning back to LEC

One day, when driving to the bay area, my hubby and I began a deep discussion of what it was like to grow up Christian and the effect it has had on us then and now.  We compared our childhood, our experiences growing up with very different experiences, and how those times molded us to the Christians we are today.

I am born into a Christian family.  By 1982, my grandparents, my parents, most of my uncles, aunts, and cousins were Christians.  I have known no other religion, except for the few times I was exposed when my mom's family and some of my dad's family would hold their shaman gatherings.  Growing up, I was always surrounded by church activities, church going people, and my youth memories are filled with events with other fellow youths from other Lao Evangelical Church (LEC) churches.  Most Sunday mornings consist of an understanding that I had to get up, get ready and be at church by  9 a.m.  Our church had 3 main youth activities during the year (church camp, convention and a sport tournament).  There were always little things in between the three events, like leadership, fellowship with other LEC at different cities, and fellowship nights with the youth group.  Christmas and New Years Eve were always spent at church.  When the weather got warmer, Friday consist of practicing for the sports tournament.  Because we had "older" youth members, they planned wonderful fellowships for us to spend time and to grow in our faith together.  We were busy with church, but I like to believe that it was something we all looked forward to at the end of the school week.

My husband's story wasn't anything like mine.  He doesn't have an extended family, and only his parents and two other siblings (including their family) attend church on a regular basis (from when we first began dating).  He shared about his family "not fitting in" at churches they attended and never having the pressure to "have to" attend church.  His mom began attending the Salvation Army church, and she would always ask the kids to attend.  He did from time to time, but never consistently.  He never had the desire to follow Christ.  Sure, he prayed, but only when he was struggling.  

When we began dating, I took him to Capital Christian Center because at the time, that was where I attended.  An English speaking church made it easier for him to begin building his relationship with Christ.  He love the Pastor there, and the congregation is welcoming.  They have ushers and greeters; something I think he needed.  I love the church as well, but deep down it was never "home".  

So, after getting married, there was this tug in my heart to return to LEC.  Finally in November 2015, I began my first steps at returning back to LEC.  At first, it was hard for my husband, but it has definitely gotten easier.  He speaks Hmong well enough to get by, but definitely not enough to truly understand and comprehend sermons or hymns.  But, Pastor Fred and Rev Wang Lue has been very welcoming to my husband and it puts him at ease to join.  The younger fathers in the mens group there also helped a lot with making my husband feel like a part of a congregation.  He especially loves the youth group, who he feels he fits in with very well. For my husband, it's relatively new.  As for me, I have a history with LEC and grew up knowing the elders and the dynamics of the church.  It was much easier for me to walk in and feel welcome.  The women group there has been super supportive and very accepting.  They welcome me with smiles and warmth.  LEC is home. 

The Story of Noah

Most Sunday, the ladies at church do bible study for about an hour.  We were studying day 9 (Dabtsis Ua Rau Vajtswv Zoo Siab Luag-Ntxhi), and we studied Noah.  The whole time we are discussing this section, I can't help but feel that the "Noah" in my life was my little sister May.  As we continue to read and discuss the section, I began to more and more connect my little sister May with Noah.

May Lee "Hli" Moua

But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.  (Genesis 6:8 NIV)  You see, about 10 years ago, my family stopped attending church.  Each one of us sort of fell wayward with our walk with Christ. Speaking for myself, I began internalizing my own faith.  I no longer had this desire to physically attend church.  I mean, I still prayed, I still sang worship songs, and I still considered myself Christian.  I just didn't attend church.  And, it took about two years for me to go back.  But, not to Lao Evangelical Church (LEC).  I attended Capital Christian Center.  It was what suited me for the time being; I was there, but not actively involved.   But May returned to LEC and she returned with a passion.  She held positions within the church and she put one hundred percent of her heart into God's work.

Noah did everything just as God commanded him. (Genesis 6:22 NIV)  We discussed when Noah was being ridicule by strangers and his own family for building God's ark.  Thoughts of when May was serving the Lord and the church, and all I cared about was that she was absent from my life and our family events came to mind.  When she was working and spreading God's love, all I saw was that I, and our family was not her priority, but rather her last priority.  I wonder how alone May must have felt, to have no support from the people who were suppose to be the closest to her.  Who would help her grow in her faith when we unknowingly only dragged down her own faith?  May not only continue doing God's work, but she buried herself more and more in it the more we (the family) pushed her to stop and "just spend some time with us". 

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.  By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith (Hebrew 11:6, 7b NIV)  May continued building her faith without us.  She faithfully served with very little complaint.  She gave up a lot of worldly experiences/things and put her focus on building her faith.  She was building her home up in Heaven. She loved us, but loved her spiritual walk with God even more.  The perfect example of what Christians should be.  God wanted to wipe out the human race, but Noah was the saving grace (Genesis 6: 6-8 NIV)  In keeping her faith, May was my saving grace so that God did not abandon me or our family.  He shown favor to us because He still had that one person who faithfully followed Him.